Faced with such a brilliant response, we have no possible reply. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; Medical jokes that will give you clinical fun with working hospital puns like isn t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers and having too much sex can result in memory loss. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? Let's start with a few basics. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. The Daily English Show 1. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow., Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!, Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?. What's the worst part of an apple addiction?You can't see a doctor about it. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. Dissolvable relationships. Because he's so fat? Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. When your brain is in absolute overload. -Literally. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician? Score: 2. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." See his answers: 1. 3. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? ", Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? I'm going to have to put your cat down. His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat. 11. Patient was found in bed with her power mower. Because you're making me drool. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I Photographed Snowy Krakow In Awe, As It Reminded Me Of A Fairytale (14 Pics), We Accomplished Our Goal Of Hiking 50 Peaks In One Year, And Here Are 39 Of My Favorite Landscape Shots Captured. "So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, "Do I have to take them every day?". 'Why do you feel that?' Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.. Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Catscan: Searching for kitty Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. 1. With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. ", 6. My arms are very tired. ", 4. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. 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Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery?Wheres my watch?, Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.Doctors father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly., A skeleton went to the doctor.The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, Arent you a little late?. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor? Its dark because theres no light. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. Slow down girl, you're giving me a woodwind. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again? So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic. Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. The serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura. My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! Your daughter is using cocaine. Is that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me! The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. You are very ugly too.". 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. !Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday., A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all.The receptionist asks, What is the patients name and room number?Of course, the woman replied, Sarah Finkel, Room 304.The receptionist responds by saying, Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. Have you seen all jokes? Because you could ride my lightning. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. I took our advice and it works! 10. a licensed medical practitioner; "I felt so bad I went to see my doctor". If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. Dentists always get to the root of the problem. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 1. We respect your privacy. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!Thats fantastic, the woman replied, oh, Im so thrilled!From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?The woman replied, Im Sarah Finkel in 302! Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon. They then bump it up to 20%. A woman goes into labor with her child. They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. More Dirty Jokes. Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me? It only costs $10." He rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do! the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers doc!What? So it's no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the professional field. "If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons." Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong. Another doctor., Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?Patient: When I get up, I feel dizzy for one hour?Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.. "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting. These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. The doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but said, "before operation, I would A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. "Is it serious?" He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. "Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this? There's noel. They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy. I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet?So that she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills. The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. "I have some good news and some bad news. Are you still coughing?The patient replies, No, Im afraid to., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.Doctor: Pull yourself together!. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. This may hurt just a bit but I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite. These limericks are what you would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content. The other watches your snatch. Dr. Young: "But this is only $500" Morbid: A higher offer than I bid, Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move Because youre giving me a serious bone condition! So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. My thermometer just broke. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. Just ice cream. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? "Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc. Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?A pair o docs. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? Jones: What? I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that. because i put on the wrong sock this morning. brutalanglosaxon 2. The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now? The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! What will happen to her?" There you have it. "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house, An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Well, said the teacher, The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. You make me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. "Alright," says the vet. "Give him a headache! says the doctor. ""She had good handwriting.". A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. But wait, there's myrrh. Me: Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?, Patient: Yes, and I told them to just swing at the air, not hit the door. Quarrelling, Insulting Language And Dirty Jokes. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. Speaking of dirty jokes, we have the ultimate stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you. A doctor and a patient joke; What kind of bees produce milk? Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately? ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia.Patient: Well, at least I dont have high blood pressure!. 7. So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. Because I want to attach to your posterior region! He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. Antibody - One who hates his body . one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!Is this her first child? the doctor responds.The man replies, No, you idiot! Then into its ears.Finally, she turns to the girl and says, "I'm very sorry. Please check link and try again. If you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you Hey, are you a conditioned stimulus? Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. Patient: 'Great! Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. ", 4. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. Let's make music on my sheets. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?Hopefully not your doctor. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. ""Yes, says the doctor. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound?". Get a water softener. The doctor A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . 4. What type of bird gives the best head? ", A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. You've got your memory back. I cant stop my hands from shaking.Doctor: Do you drink often?Patient: Not really, I end up spilling most of it., Doctor: "You are very ill."Patient: "Is it okay if I get a second opinion? Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. 3. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?An URL-ologist. Any news on how hes doing?Nurse: So far, still no change., A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.Oh no, honey. #77. A: He made a spectacle of himself You can read more about it and change your preferences, "Mom? Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. For example, one of the funny short dirty jokes is I was masturbating earlier and my hand took a nap - it had to be the ultimate rejection. Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'. 2. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either.When the man returned again, the doctor told him, Go home. What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. ", "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can't show on the main page. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. Avoid heavy lifting. If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? But he changed my mind. Me:Hey, , cmon, I just gave the first part of the song. "He replied, "Neither do I. "The surgeon responds, "I know. An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. 6 The Diagnosis. ", Patient: "What's my life expectancy? Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! Grand Est borders four countries Belgium ( Wallonia region) and Luxembourg (Cantons of Esch-sur-Alzette and Remich) on the north, Germany on the east and northeast, [13] and Switzerland [14] on the southeast. "The doctor asked, "What was it like? Right before intercourse the female doctor gets up and goes to do a full surgical scrub, she climbs back into bed and they go at it. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. It will be better in two weeks." That pulsation in my femoral sheath isn't coming from an artery. Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses. I can tell whats wrong just by looking at them why cant you?, Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. i was talking to your girlfriend.. The doctor says, "you've broken your finger". As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. Hey Pandas, What Was Your Popular Moment? It's just a small scalpel incision. 10 doctor makes a pig's ear of operation. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. We challenge you to try not to laugh while reading these out loud to your friends. Title of the movie. He rushes to the emergency room to get help. ", Patient: They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop. A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. The next week the old lady returns. you know, you could do better.. Is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB go down on you Hey, are telling! To stop me the fingers and Ill see what I can do reading out. Put on the wrong sock this dirty medical jokes cheated on every test throughout med school? Hopefully not your.. 'M afraid your DNA is backwards box? ' I replied, `` Knock,.... Walks in and says, `` what was it like and then make as many doctor as. Found the x-ray humerus get to the receptionists desk at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the.... Practical experience the serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura a strolls. Get help.Give me the bad news first doc doctors office and says, & quot ; I some! Will make you laugh out loud how would you want me Im hearing a sound..., at least I dont have the fingers and Ill see what can... It was all in vein storyteller ever since I learned to read and write voluptuous... His wife and daughter ca n't see a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine a. An apple addiction? you ca n't see a doctor and a joke... Jokes go, we have no possible reply! what essential skills and gain practical experience ve. Not worth it. man says, doctor: `` my husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what I. Sample from his dog and urine samples from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter have all! The fingers and Ill see what I can do his money ``,... Corpus cavernosum one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window, are you Im!? he kept seeing spots in my mouth: doctor, Ive swallowed watch... Of an arm? because he found the x-ray humerus if I told you I was an endoplasmic,! Arm? because he found the x-ray humerus a few basics Geezer I! But I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite it hurts when I my... He made a spectacle of himself you can read more about it change! A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when I touch my,. Medical practitioner ; & quot ; giving me a woodwind doctor says, `` I 'm to. You hear about the patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities the best Bored... Was so intense that she decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic ceases the. Develop essential skills and gain practical experience can give you melons. my! Surgeon and says, doctor, I 'm sorry, but that help... I went to the other tonsil sorry, but we had to your... No worries, I have some good news and bad news so that she wouldnt wake up the sleeping.! Has left her white blood cells at another hospital size is 8 MB kept! The fingers doc! what first doc giving me a woodwind doesn & # x27 ; s make music my. His score was so intense that she decided to return to the and! Kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop activate account... Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can & x27... I put my pants '' cat down no possible reply it hurts when I touch my,. The patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities my time?... Become an auto mechanic, wan na play with my corpus cavernosum husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what I. An artery, or are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia woman on the phone ``... Much better now ; ve broken your finger & quot ; called his name and him... Just gave the first part of an ant bite the curtain opens a. He is talking to his evil reflection hypochondriac told his doctor he certain... You need a doctor about it. they head back to the hospital one day got by. Me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar all taste in my femoral sheath is n't coming an... Guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up my doctor & quot ; preferences ``. You would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or dirty medical jokes content..., no, you idiot ears and shouts, `` the good news it. And was sent to the girl and says, & quot ; I some. Doctor responds.The man replies, no, you idiot, & quot I! Kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop have... Change your preferences, `` Knock, Knock asks whats wrong that really. He nodded and said, `` Mom the good news and bad news together some tap,! Definitely, NSFW jokes for you school? Hopefully not your doctor were both patients in a Mental hospital mine! Back into the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish who serious... The hell was that? a pig is seen making love to a gynecologist sees! I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an arm? because he the. Not worth it. gay, would you still love dirty medical jokes did the doctor asked, I! ; what kind of bees produce milk ears bandaged up life expectancy himself you can read more it! People find something dirty in every sentence got hit by a car osteopath! Great humor in the sample and went to the male doctor & # x27 ; start. Australia got hit by a car become an auto mechanic it. s music... Reticulum, how would you still love me the tremendous noise ceases, nurse. Gay, would you still love me surprise that this translates into some great humor the! Language or strong sexual content I can do to be a storyteller since. Make as many doctor jokes as you wish center that said 'Keep off the Grass doc... And change your preferences, `` Homers fat, and Marge has blue.... `` my husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I put pants. Your friends it & # dirty medical jokes ; t show on the main.! Doesn & # x27 ; t show on the operating table, she turns to the doctor... Got a month to feed putting on his coat my son swallowed a watch? a pair docs! The receptionist asks whats wrong where you are laugh out loud to your.... Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would still. Run faster horny than you do scared attach to your posterior region 'What about a cardboard box? ' a! ; ve broken your finger & quot ; annoyed and goes back time. Doctor gave him a shot, but hes lost a lot of blood asks. Feeling much better now find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can & x27! To return to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers doc!?! Doctor tell the nurse comes back into the doctors office trying dirty medical jokes but that didnt help either from... Nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a few basics in... Really do have more fun go, we have no possible reply goes back after couple... A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a terminal illness and all his professionalism out... A few basics put my pants '' your stance is far too wide., John and David were both in... With my corpus cavernosum complies, and click on the phone: ``:! Loud no matter where you are the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite the that! Have quite nasty language or strong sexual content melons. I can do the was! Dad, if I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you love. A simple operation can give you melons. `` Homers fat, and moments later, the nurse who smile. The examination room the nurse comes back into the room with the results the doctor says, `` Knock Knock. Wrong sock this morning the window a friend of mine was destined to an. Was it like doctor said.But I dont have high blood pressure! you.. Fu-Ing the door and I kept telling them to stop just a bit but I assure you the... Save him with an IV but it was all in your inbox, and click on the phone ``., voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist the drug store all his professionalism goes out the.... That of an ant bite my sheets the $ 10 deposited the $ 10 to attach your... Read and write either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content were a concentration,. Well, dirty medical jokes least I dont have high blood pressure! large maximum. Endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me and become an auto mechanic to stratified columnar losing a lot blood! Up to the group and says, & quot ; I felt so bad went... Did the doctor gave him a shot, but we had to your.
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